Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bracing for October 19th

8 months ago, I was 1 month pregnant. Trillian and I were celebrating an anniversary and getting ready to travel to see your parents, whom we immediately informed about the pregnancy.

7 months ago, I lost that pregnancy. The baby I was pretty sure was a girl. The little girl who would have been due October 19th.

That date has been looming for me and today it has been a monolith.

I knew it would be hard, that I wouldn't just forget. For a short while, I thought I would have something to soften the day a bit, but I lost that pregnancy too.

I know that had I carried this pregnancy to term, things would be very different for us right now. I would have already finished the first part of my comps (out of necessity--plus I might have done more work if I hadn't been so distracted), but would be putting my seminar on hold until the spring. We wouldn't be moving to Springfield in two months. And we'd be chomping at the bit to get out of here.

But I'm still dealing with the uncertainty--and it eats at me to be no closer to knowing when and if this will ever happen for me, for us.

8 comments:

something blue said...

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

bubandpie said...

Oh, Mouse. It's hard.

Aliki2006 said...

I'm thinking of you, too. I can only imagine how hard this is--for the both of you.

Lisa b said...

oh mouse. I'm so sorry.

Suz said...

It's so hard, Mouse. So, so hard. I'm sorry.

cinnamon gurl said...

Oh Mouse. I'm so sorry.

kittenpie said...

that is tough. Really, it's such a hard loss, and I can't imagine not thinking of it.

And while I haven't had the same experience of loss (though I am fairly certain I lost one or maybe two VERY early ones, I have no confirmation), I am beginning to wonder after some time of trying now, if it's going to happen, too. I started talking to Misterpie about how we would handle it if it didn't look like it was in the cards. It's a sad conversation to have, although I feel blessed that I at least have the one, if I'm not to have another.

Laural Dawn said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the pain today. I really am sorry.