I had thought to take a few days off, but I find myself drawn to post. To let my friends know that I'm OK. To memorialize some of my feelings.
I began bleeding and cramping last night. Nothing worse than moderate menstrual pain, nothing that would take me to the ER. But a sign that there wasn't going to be any last minute save. No call from the midwife saying I'd misread the label. Of course, I am still without official word, as it seems that the ultrasound office did not get their report to my midwife's office before close of business. But I'm no dummy and I know better than to hold onto a hope that can only be false.
I am struck by the irony that I have not actually met my midwife at this point. I had an appointment at the beginning of last week, but it was canceled when she had a client go into labor. We had rescheduled for this Wednesday. And so the person talking me through this is a voice on the phone. A nice, kind voice at least.
My mother-in-law spent most of the day trying to get a flight to see us, but the weather in the Northeast has apparently snarled all air travel so that there isn't a seat to be had. At least until the end of the week, which is when my in-laws were coming to celebrate Scooter's birthday anyway. While I am not entirely sure that I'm ready to face many people who knew, I would have been happy to have her here.
I am split between detachment and utter devastation. And I recognize this as my coping mechanism, even as I withdraw behind it. I am thankful that the largest part of my mind is rational, understands that this probably does not mean anything for my long term chances of bearing another child and that there was probably nothing that could have been done to change the outcome. This is the part that keeps me going until the quiet times. I will turn to some grading in a bit (poor students, though I really am always fair) and let that serve as my barrier until it's closer to bedtime.
The pregnancy fog, the exhaustion have lifted. And so I find myself doing more than I have in several weeks. Even then, it's not much, since my attention span is lacking, but it helps to tackle small projects as I think of them.
Tomorrow will be a normal Sunday: gymnastics for Scooter, coffee with Trillian, a trip to Whole Foods, some school work. That I can face; it may even provide comfort. But I may take a vacation from classes for the week, just tend to my work at home.
And I may take a vacation from here, or not--I don't yet know how I will feel over the next few days and if this might not be my best therapy.