Sunday, February 25, 2007

Contrasting comments

Between the travel time this weekend and wanting to put some thought into yesterday's post, I didn't get around to responding to comments on my post about telling our parents about the new grandbaby. There were two in particular that begged a response (one of them literally). So, voila, a post for a Sunday night.

Lisa b wrote:
Sadly it sounds like our moms are similar. Why is it so difficult to express delight at your news? Its fantastic news. Why must the conversation immediately veer to the struggles ahead and the concerns about your degree as if you are not perfectly capable of accomplishing all that is ahead of you. Sorry maybe I am projecting some of my feelings onto you but I just wish that your joy could be celebrated rather than your abilities questioned.

I have a number of posts percolating about my mother and our relationship. Not that I'm even close to figuring her out, but it does sound like a similar situation. I think one of the problems my mom has is that she has long identified with me much more closely than my other sisters. As a result, she tends to view my life and the decisions I make through her own perspective--even though I long ago veered quite dramatically away from her own path. I suspect the academic concerns can be traced to the fact that she started, but never finished, two different master's programs. Being a mother had something to do with that, perhaps she would say everything, but that would again be an inability to get past her own experience. (Reread my post "A boy or a girl" and you may understand where I was coming from even more.)

I also left out the part of our conversation where she talked about not being a very good grandmother to Scooter. Silence on my end--no matter how much I try to play the "good daughter" role, there was no way I could just play that off.

Now the more fun one. Bub and Pie asked:
This post has reminded me to ask - what's your policy on finding out the sex? i.e. Are you going to find out, and, more importantly, are you going to tell US right away???
With Scooter, our thought process went as follows: So much about raising a child is a surprise and out of our control, let's take away this one unknown if we can. By the time we were scheduled for the 20-week sonogram, finding out the gender was almost necessary. We had taken to calling my bump a "he" and were using our chosen name regularly. I can trace this back to a dream I had in which I was with a little boy with sandy-brown hair and a hint of my nose; I woke up feeling like I had met my baby. Trillian had a similar dream soon after, adding the detail of green eyes. We wanted to find out the gender just so we wouldn't spend another 4+ months insisting on "he" and then suddenly have to switch all of our expectations--and a bit because we wanted to continue to believe in our dreams.

Our opinion hasn't changed, so we'll be finding out the gender this time too. And we will probably tell people right away again. We did with Scooter, and even though I wasn't crazy about the immediate gender stereotyping, I can't imagine keeping it to myself.

And for what it's worth... I had a dream the other night that I held a little girl with very tight, dark brown curls and the same facial features as my son. This is much earlier than in my other pregnancy, but now I find myself thinking "girl." Trillian thinks so too. So here it is in print; we'll see how this plays out.


cinnamon gurl said...

What lovely dreams! I always wanted to dream about the baby when I was pregnant but I only had one around 8 weeks, that he was born really premature but he weighed a healthy 8 lbs and didn't need any extra care. It was like we just got the date wrong.

Sandra said...

I dreamt my son was a boy before he was born too. I can't wait to learn if your latest dream comes to fruition.

Laural Dawn said...

What a genuine post - that's why I love your writing.
I feel a similar way with my mom - in that she always concerns herself about the what-ifs. We are sort of talking about a second child. For me (like everyone) a huge decision for financial reasons and because I'm terrified of another crippling bout of p.p.d. And she tends to point out the negative - a lot.
I always want to say I'm not her and I don't make her decisions, but I can't because it would be hurtful.
In some ways I get her more since I've had my own child, but in others not at all.
And, about the gender question - I can't imagine not knowing. My sister didn't know for either of her kids, but for me it's a must.
I think it's still a beautiful surprise to get to know the child. Our secret was the name (and then when we went with Matthew everyone was shocked with how "normal" it was!)

Mouse said...

My dreams were both weird for various reasons I left out. In the most recent one, I couldn't remember the baby's name for the entire dream. Despite the oddities, however, the kids have been so real that I have felt like I was meeting them.

Laural Dawn, thanks for the compliment! I'll be talking about my mom more, I think.

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