Something about long Fridays make for scattered posting. I'd had every intention of writing a (slightly) academic post about my antagonistic relationship with theory in my discipline.
But instead, I find myself obsessing about this pregnancy (or not) thing. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about it for a while. And I'm not going to detail particulars right now--the physical symptoms that I may or may not be exhibiting, the number of days until I can test early, the number of days until I can test more definitively. But I will talk a little bit about what I'm feeling.
After taking my two month break, I approached the process with two distinct minds. On the one hand, it felt like I hadn't stopped and that I'd been thinking about trying to get pregnant forever--which is a little true since my mind didn't necessarily take the whole two months off. On the other, it felt like I was starting all over again--which, again, was not a good thing, since I mentally write off the first try or two of the process, so I suddenly saw several more months of the waiting and testing and waiting some more staring me in the face.
As I've mentioned before (you all keeping up with this?--I'm too lazy to link tonight), I tweaked my timing on this cycle, going for the insemination a little earlier (about a day) than is strictly called for. I tried to tell myself that I could blame that when I didn't get pregnant. Everything I told myself has revolved around it not taking this cycle. I am trying so hard not to be invested in this cycle.
But the truth is that I really am. More than I wanted, more than I realized. Every little twinge and internal shift, "I must be pregnant." It flits across my mind before I can stop thinking it and I believe it.*
So, at least in part, I think this post is admitting that I will probably share more than I originally planned. I doubt I'll make it 12 weeks before spilling the beans here. I may not make it more than a few days.
And while I don't intend for this to become a pregnancy-focused blog, I can't promise it won't be a frequent topic. Just look at how often it comes up when I'm not going to write about it.
*Of course, there is the flip side, the other feeling I fear won't leave me. Right after the above thought, I suddenly say, "Stop! Wait! I'm not ready!" I remember feeling this when I first got pregnant with Scooter and numerous times through the pregnancy--that one too was also ultra-planned. Do we ever feel ready?