Friday, February 02, 2007

Baby brain

Something about long Fridays make for scattered posting. I'd had every intention of writing a (slightly) academic post about my antagonistic relationship with theory in my discipline.

But instead, I find myself obsessing about this pregnancy (or not) thing. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about it for a while. And I'm not going to detail particulars right now--the physical symptoms that I may or may not be exhibiting, the number of days until I can test early, the number of days until I can test more definitively. But I will talk a little bit about what I'm feeling.

After taking my two month break, I approached the process with two distinct minds. On the one hand, it felt like I hadn't stopped and that I'd been thinking about trying to get pregnant forever--which is a little true since my mind didn't necessarily take the whole two months off. On the other, it felt like I was starting all over again--which, again, was not a good thing, since I mentally write off the first try or two of the process, so I suddenly saw several more months of the waiting and testing and waiting some more staring me in the face.

As I've mentioned before (you all keeping up with this?--I'm too lazy to link tonight), I tweaked my timing on this cycle, going for the insemination a little earlier (about a day) than is strictly called for. I tried to tell myself that I could blame that when I didn't get pregnant. Everything I told myself has revolved around it not taking this cycle. I am trying so hard not to be invested in this cycle.

But the truth is that I really am. More than I wanted, more than I realized. Every little twinge and internal shift, "I must be pregnant." It flits across my mind before I can stop thinking it and I believe it.*

So, at least in part, I think this post is admitting that I will probably share more than I originally planned. I doubt I'll make it 12 weeks before spilling the beans here. I may not make it more than a few days.

And while I don't intend for this to become a pregnancy-focused blog, I can't promise it won't be a frequent topic. Just look at how often it comes up when I'm not going to write about it.

*Of course, there is the flip side, the other feeling I fear won't leave me. Right after the above thought, I suddenly say, "Stop! Wait! I'm not ready!" I remember feeling this when I first got pregnant with Scooter and numerous times through the pregnancy--that one too was also ultra-planned. Do we ever feel ready?

1 comment:

Lisa b said...

No I don't think we ever feel ready but that doesn't seem to stop us from obsessing about getting what we want (pregnant) until we do. Then we freak out and worry about the timing, being ready and all the stuff that can go wrong.
I relate to spilling the beans in your blog. Its such big news and you want to tell but you want to wait so its a great way to blab it without it being people you see everyday or family.
Can't wait to hear the news!

I had a big struggle with theory doing my thesis so I'm interested to hear your story on that.