Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Not again

The plan was that in six or seven weeks I would make the big reveal: I'd started trying to get pregnant again in June and managed to get the timing right the first time. Trillian and I had decided to wait to tell people, which is very unlike us, but somehow this gave us a sense of stability.

But not telling doesn't mean nothing will happen. And not telling doesn't make this any easier.

I'm going on 24-hours of spotting/bleeding. The midwife said exactly what I expected. Nothing we can do right now... wait and see... decide on blood test/ ultrasound in a couple day...

Last night was only spotting, and only the tiniest amount, but it hasn't gone away. And now it's more than just spotting... less than what would convince me miscarriage is imminent, but more than what I can dismiss.

This pregnancy was going to avoid some of the issues that were raised by last miscarriage. I would be due just about two weeks before Scooter's fifth birthday, keeping us within the spacing we wanted, and about seven weeks before my 35th birthday, just under the wire of the dreaded "advanced maternal age."

And of course I'm feeling betrayed by my body. And not sure I can handle the emotional rollercoaster of trying again or, worse, losing yet another pregnancy. Not to mention the financial side.

I know that there is a chance that this is not over yet, that everything might still turn out OK. And I hover between clinging to that hope and starting the grieving process.

11 comments:

bubandpie said...

Is it red? If it's not bright red, then cling to hope. This so should not be happening. It just shouldn't.

Mouse said...

It's red and has been from the beginning. That's why it's been so hard to maintain any hope.

Urban Mummy said...

I'm sorry. I hope it's not so.

And don't worry about that "advanced maternal age" thing. Seriously, it shouldn't be an issue, and it will stress you out if you let it.

crazymumma said...

shit.

thinking of you and hope it is not a miscarriage. Totally lousy. I am so sorry.

It is one of the hardest things a woamn goes through.

As to advanced maternal age? I was 39 when I had littlegirl. Hold out hope Mouse...

Aliki2006 said...

I'm thinking of you too. And I know that spotting--even red spotting--can certainly go on to mean a normal pregnancy.

Hang on...I'll be thinking so hard of you.

Trillian said...

I love you baby. Hang in there. I'll be home soon.

something blue said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for the power in thinking only good thoughts.

cinnamon gurl said...

My sister bled for weeks and weeks with the pregnancy that followed her miscarriage, heavily... she didn't tell anyone because she thought it was doomed. Turned out it was a bruise-type thing on her uterus; her daughter turned three in April. Not sure if that's helpful right now, but it's possible to beat the odds.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and hoping for all the best.

metro mama said...

Oh, I hope it's not. I'm so sorry. (hugs)

Vikki said...

I'm sending positive thoughts your way...

Laural Dawn said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no suggestions, I'm just really really sorry.
But I hope that you're reading it wrong.