Thursday, July 26, 2007


At this point, my midwife and I both expect that tomorrow's ultrasound will probably tell us the degree to which I've miscarried. I'm not particularly looking forward to it, but it feels like something I need to do. Early next week, I'll have a blood test or two to see where my hormone levels are.

At the end of next week, I'm supposed to go to a family reunion. Only my mother and sisters know about the first miscarriage in March. None of them know of this loss or even that I was trying to become pregnant.

Before this week, Trillian and I were devising plans for how to keep from telling people I was pregnant. We were happy that the main events are happening at a place where we can't have alcohol since that would remove one point of questioning. I planned on eating lots of cheese-only sandwiches to avoid deli meat. We were staying in a different hotel than many family members. And we always had Scooter as an excuse for needing to run off on our own for a bit.

Now, I'm not entirely sure how I'll hold up. I fully expect to be asked if we're planning on having another child. If I were pregnant, I would have easily made some vague statement about it being something for the near future while smiling on the inside. But this same question right now brings me to tears. Because I don't know; I very much want to have a second child, but I can't imagine going through this again, on the one hand, and worry that I may not physically be able to carry to term, on the other.

I'm not sure what I'll do. While there are several people I haven't seen for some time now, I know I'll still be a mess next week. This side of the family is fairly reserved and, I expect, would be at a loss for what to say and do if I told them what I'm going through.

Since we're going by car, I can make my final decision even at the last minute, but unfortunately I don't think either decision is the right one.


Lisa b said...

Oh Mouse I am so sorry.
If it helps at all I have I've been experiencing a lot of well-meaning but upsetting questions about my situation.
After a while I realised the questions upset me because I feel I have to tell the person something. It helps me to realise that I don't.
The same vague "maybe" answer, if you can manage it, would be appropriate.
I just hope no one presses you and if they do that you feel you can brush them off. You have to take care of yourself right now.

crazymumma said...

Oh honey. You will find the strength. We always do. Do what you need to do, don't worry about anyone else.


kgirl said...

I'm so sorry.
Go if you think it might be enjoyable and a good distraction. Don't go just because you feel obligated. You need to do what's best for you and Trillian right now.

Aliki2006 said...

Do only what you feel is best for you--and for your immediate family. If you feel a distraction would help, or that watching Scooter interact with your extended family members would distract you, then it might be worth going, just for that.

I'm still thinking of you...

Mad Hatter said...

ah jeez, Mouse. I am so, so very sorry. And so sorry that it has taken me a few days to see this. I am thinking about you.

Mad Hatter said...

ok, have just read the last few posts in detail. I will await to hear how the ultrasound went. AND I will keep my finger's crossed.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried many years ago and it was a tremendously painful (emotionally and physically) experience.