Friday, July 13, 2007

The rattling in my head

Several posts are rattling around in my head, have been for several days now.

In particular, I want to write about where I am mentally in terms of the idea of Scooter being on the autism spectrum. This has been much in my thoughts, especially after a conversation with Bubandpie this past weekend, Aliki's post earlier this week, and then B&P's post today. I want to write about the process that has brought me into a state of equilibrium, albeit a bit tenuous, the fact that I have become more comfortable with the idea, can actually say autism without dropping my voice, that I have started to tell people--voluntarily--about what we're dealing with.

And I want to write about how the process has been particularly personal and internal for me, because the more I read about autism, the more I start to see myself on the spectrum. It makes for a new, and more complete, interpretation of certain aspects of my childhood, a different perspective on my experiences. Which has helped me reach this current state of relative peace.


I am tired and cannot do justice to either topic right now. From juggling too much--even though things have calmed down a little, I still have teaching and studying and planning for a couple different trips, and all the usual, never-ending minutiae. From staying up to late--usually I'm headed to bed around 10 pm. Not in bed, but working on it. This week, it's been 11 or later most nights, though for no particular reason. From getting up too early--especially this morning. Scooter was stirring before 6 am. I let him play for a bit, but then he started crying because he had stepped on something. I checked on him, kissed the boo-boo, and then said I was heading back to bed, which led to another, more insistent fit. So I was up and persuaded to build an elaborate train track in the living room.

In other news, I have broken my BabyCenter addiction. I didn't even have to install blocking software. Instead, I kept from clicking over there for two days until FireFox cleard the url out of my location bar history (Trillian's term for that drop down with recently typed-in urls). And I definitely feel much better for that. Doesn't mean I'm not obsessing, however. The recent one is something I've pondered on and off since my first pregnancy.

The back story:
While in my third trimester with Scooter, I made a mosaic with his name set against a blue sky on the top part and several hooks on the bottom; I used a mixture of the wall and trim paints from his room, creating a pleasant middle shade, for the frame. It hung in his room until we moved. It will hang again when we own our next house, and it is something I hope he will keep forever.

Having done this for my first child, I've always imagined I would do something similar for my second. I could do something very similar, same basic set up with picture and hooks, color based on nursery decorating scheme. But I started pretty much from scratch on that one and don't know that I would have the right sort of space for that particular prep work, not to mention the energy to create the frame. There's also a part of me that would like to do something similar, but a little different. And so I have spent some time this evening, though this is not the first time I've done it, trying to decide what project would be just right. A mosaic mirror? A keepsake box? Would those be seen as particularly girly? Do they have enough open space for the sort of picture I might design?

OK, not exactly of monumental importance, but it's something I enjoy pondering and gives me a little break from thinking about the exams I'll need to write in the next couple weeks.


kittenpie said...

I've had the same sort of thoughts about a second, too. You get and make all sorts of special little things for that first one. How many will I have time and energy and money for with the second?

The mosaic hooks sound really nice, though.

Aliki2006 said...

I like the idea of a keepsake box...For Tessa I made the letters spelling her name out of white clay (Sculpy) and then decorated them with yellow clay daisies and hung them from her wall.

The mosaic hooks sound so lovely...

I can really relate to the line about how you no longer drop your voice when saying "autism". When we got his evaluation report back one sentence started with "Liam's autism..." and I just couldn't get past that. I read the sentence over and over again trying to reconcile the pairing of my son's name with the word "autism"--I'm still not 100% past how jarring that is, but it gets better.