Ebb and flow

It would appear I'm not pregnant.

I'm not fully convinced that I never was pregnant, rather just "a little bit pregnant," things just didn't quite take hold. I started thinking that might be the case last night. (TMI alert!) I'd had a sudden burst of energy yesterday, my breasts suddenly quit hurting so much, and my smell changed.* Lucky me, the nausea and dizziness have continued, so it appears that I am also suffering from a slight cold.

This would be a major downside of the pregnancy process. I am so aware of exactly when conception would have taken place and can easily count the days. Coupled with a well-honed body awareness and tendency to over-analyze, this means I obsess for the two weeks between ovulation and the beginning of the next cycle.

But, as I pointed out to my wife recently, I recognize how lucky I am when I read about women who must face the struggle of infertility. I feel guilty that I require the time and care of a specialist when all I am faced with is a "supply issue" and the limitation of only one try a month. I know that if I were in a relationship with a man, I would not even need to chart ovulation--a few extra rolls in the hay mid-month to cover our bases and that would be it.

So I will be calling the infertility clinic in Nearby US City tomorrow to alert them that I'll be coming in this month and will be arranging Pop's delivery in the near future. And I'll watch the calendar and pee on a few more sticks. The next try should be less stressful--no plane rides or nights away from home--and allow a little more control in timing.

A deep sigh. I turn my mind back to my school work.

* One aspect of my high sensitivity is that I have a heightened sense of smell. (More TMI!) I am especially aware of my own smell, both in terms of different kinds of sweat (exertion, overheating, stress) and where I am in my cycle.

Edited to add: I should point out that when I got home this afternoon, my wife had bought flowers and some of my favorite cookies (Lu's Le Petit Ecolier Dark) for me. I know she's disappointed too, as she was even more convinced I was pregnant. There are many reasons I love this woman!