Monday, July 21, 2008

I am again finding it hard to write the posts that are floating around in my head.

Some of this is the fact that my schedule has been a bit busy. Add in the mad packing today for our trip to Toronto (and I am so behind in contacting people), and I feel guilty for every ten-minute break I take.

Scooter has also been taking longer to go to sleep at night, and so by the time I sit down to write, my mind is too close to sleep to function properly.

But a bigger issue is just how fragmented my thoughts have been. No pronouncements yet on my health, though the endocrinologist is casting a wider net than any previous doctor. I remain exhausted and run-down, not so much that I can't function, but enough that everything is an effort; this has been my baseline for years, but the more I've been exercising and attempting to track down the cause, the more frustrated I become at this state. Another teaching opportunity has come up in my department, this one for the second semester--in many ways it's more feasible than the fall post, so an internal debate rages on. I have nothing of substance to discuss with my supervisor as my work has been going nowhere, another victim of my inability to stay on one topic for more than fifteen minutes.

I feel like I'm constantly laying groundwork and the payoff keeps getting pushed further into the future, spinning my wheels and going nowhere. To mix a couple metaphors.

It's not just that I can't maintain a train of thought for long enough to write a post, it's that my thoughts always take a turn for the whiny and I don't want that to be all I'm writing.

Not that it's likely I would have written anyways, but I've decided not to take my computer at all on this trip. Trillian will have hers--for work--so I'll be able to check email occasionally, but we're not even going to pay for internet from our hotel room.

The last of my test results should be back the second week of August. Even though I will be seeking a second opinion on the fertility piece (I found another fertility doctor in Big City, one who is attached to a university and is not quite as commercial as the first one), part of the picture should be a little more focused then. I'm hoping my mind will begin to refocus then too.

1 comment:

Aliki2006 said...

It must be really hard to maintain any kind of focus with all that has been going on--I know it can be hard. Hang in there!