I am in the midst of papers and exams (2 each, unless I count the one exam I will not be studying for--it's based on unseen material--and the one I'll be grading soon). I have not budgeted my time well. What's new? I'm slightly panicked about getting everything done by their various deadlines. What's new? I fully recognize that it all will get done, one way or another, for better or worse. What's new?
I also find myself marking time. Today I would be one week into my second trimester. I would have told the rest of my family, people in my department, strangers on the street. But that's an alternate history that ceased to be not quite 5 weeks ago.
Instead, I am bleeding. Again. My body, apparently still a fertility machine, is back on track. I was able to pinpoint ovulation a couple weeks ago and am back to a regular cycle.
A part of me is impatient, unable to wait until August, wanting to jump back on the TTC wagon next week. Another part knows that I should take the next few months to get my body back in shape, focus on my work and teaching this summer, time the pregnancy so it won't conflict with next year's class. The first part responds, "How fucking practical of you!"
But I will let the second part rule for a while and head back to paper #1.
4 comments:
ok. I think I get this. You got your period back after your first pregnanacy so now you need to wait until August to TTC?
If that is the case congrats, because you have had a good long time without it from what I understand.
Me? 3 months to THE DAY with each baby, and that was with breastfeeding on demand. Talk about fertility machine!
Looking forward to hearing about your inevitable success for #2!
Whatever and whenever you decide it will be the right time. It seems like it is never a good time but things always seem to work out. I am just as practical as you and felt conflicted about the timing around teaching, work etc. Once you take the leap things just fall into place.
It's so hard not to imagine that parallel line of what would have been, what almost was. I'm sorry to learn of your loss.
Writing papers has made me lax on responding to comments.
I have managed to get over the desire to run out and get pregnant this cycle. It "helped" that a combination of stress and allergies and some virus made me feel miserable for a few days, so I decided that I need to focus on getting my body to a better place first.
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