This is the month I decided to take back some control over my health, to search for answers, to gain power through knowledge.
I feel empowered... and like a pin cushion.
At this moment, I am sporting a nasty-looking bruise in the crook of my left elbow, courtesy of the blood draw from my brief exam for updating my life insurance (completed by some random tech the insurance company sent to my house). This is somewhat balanced by the brand-new pin prick in the crook of my right elbow--I got my favorite lab tech again. (What does it say that I have a favorite lab tech?) On my left upper arm is a band-aid covering the injection site of my tetanus booster. (-Have you had a tetanus shot in the last ten years? -Ten? No. Twenty? Just barely. Maybe I should get that.) On my right upper arm is a band-aid covering the injection site of my B12 shot. (Still tired? Let's see if this will help.)
On the plus side, all of my previous bloodwork came back with good news. Decent cholesterol (as usual, great HDL, OK LDL, great ratio), no signs of celiac disease (though a sensitivity is still likely), no thyroid anti-bodies, nothing that would indicate an immune problem or rheumatoid arthritis or excess inflammation. Mammogram and colonoscopy scheduled for the near future, both due to family history, rather than any expected problem. I should have a good idea of where everything stands by the middle of April.
This has been a healing process for me too. I have spent much of the time since my miscarriages feeling disconnected from my physical body. Not that I have been an amazing physical specimen for a good number of years, but I have almost always felt like I really knew my body. And it had never let me down like this before.
But between the examinations and increasing amounts of exercise and a return to Rolfing (which deserves a post unto itself), I'm starting to inhabit my body again, to feel the connections, to trust that I know it. I still do not have the certainty of a name that I sought, but recovering the sense of comfort in my own skin relieves another bit of the fear and gives me the confidence to move forward.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Party by the numbers
3--number of doorways with decorations hanging down that I keep hitting
15--number of balloons purchased by grandparents
14--number of balloons intact at decorating time
6--number of children running around our backyard
8--number of adults milling about
14--number of hot dogs consumed
13--number of train car cakes I iced
3--number of additional train cars I iced when all of the boys wanted blue
75--percent of time kids spent in the backyard
1--number of clogs in the kitchen sink
1.25--number of hours it took the plumber to get our kitchen sink functional again
1:00--time the party began
1:15--time the plumber left
37,000 (or so)--number of dirty dishes out on the counter when guests arrived
1,000,000--little toy pieces all over the play room
15--number of balloons purchased by grandparents
14--number of balloons intact at decorating time
6--number of children running around our backyard
8--number of adults milling about
14--number of hot dogs consumed
13--number of train car cakes I iced
3--number of additional train cars I iced when all of the boys wanted blue
75--percent of time kids spent in the backyard
1--number of clogs in the kitchen sink
1.25--number of hours it took the plumber to get our kitchen sink functional again
1:00--time the party began
1:15--time the plumber left
37,000 (or so)--number of dirty dishes out on the counter when guests arrived
1,000,000--little toy pieces all over the play room
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Then there were 7
A week ago, I worried that no kids would be attending Scooter's birthday party. I couldn't imagine that none of the ten kids we'd invited would show up, but part of me was definitely worried by the fact that I had no RSVPs for three days after the invitations went out.
The first two affirmative responses came from the kids not in Scooter's class. We invited the youngest daughter of the first lesbian couple we met in Springfield and the boy on our cul-de-sac who is closest in age to Scooter. Once we had those two responses, I relaxed a little. Three is not a bad number for a play date, with some birthday stuff thrown in for good measure. Our neighbor also told me that there was a good chance people would show up even if they didn't call.
Yesterday, we had an RSVP from the first person in Scooter's class--luckily this is also the kid Scooter seems to like best. And in a flurry today, three more.
I have prepared for all of the kids to show up, just in case, and am tossing out this post in the midst of a flurry of neatening.
Trillian convinced me to scale back a little bit. We're still doing individual train cake cars--and the gluten-free cake mix was a bitch to get out of the pan. But I've given up any thought of party-themed games. Instead of crafting various train items, we purchased a ring toss and mini-bowling game, have moved Scooter's basketball hoop outside, and will be filling our sandbox tomorrow morning. Throw in some sidewalk chalk and bubbles, and I think we can keep at least a dozen kids occupied for a while.
I've hung the decorations and put out a few things, mostly because I want to hear Scooter's reaction when he wakes up to signs of his birthday party. I'll be sending him and Trillian over to a local daycare's open house (possible summer option) for a bit in the morning so that I can organize a few other things. Then the reinforcements will come, bringing balloons and the rest of our party stuff--hooray for living near the in-laws!
The weather forecast is in our favor, and it's supposed to be warm and sunny (don't hate me, Canadians). Cross your fingers that it stays that way; my sanity may depend on being able to leave them outside for a good chunk of time.
The first two affirmative responses came from the kids not in Scooter's class. We invited the youngest daughter of the first lesbian couple we met in Springfield and the boy on our cul-de-sac who is closest in age to Scooter. Once we had those two responses, I relaxed a little. Three is not a bad number for a play date, with some birthday stuff thrown in for good measure. Our neighbor also told me that there was a good chance people would show up even if they didn't call.
Yesterday, we had an RSVP from the first person in Scooter's class--luckily this is also the kid Scooter seems to like best. And in a flurry today, three more.
I have prepared for all of the kids to show up, just in case, and am tossing out this post in the midst of a flurry of neatening.
Trillian convinced me to scale back a little bit. We're still doing individual train cake cars--and the gluten-free cake mix was a bitch to get out of the pan. But I've given up any thought of party-themed games. Instead of crafting various train items, we purchased a ring toss and mini-bowling game, have moved Scooter's basketball hoop outside, and will be filling our sandbox tomorrow morning. Throw in some sidewalk chalk and bubbles, and I think we can keep at least a dozen kids occupied for a while.
I've hung the decorations and put out a few things, mostly because I want to hear Scooter's reaction when he wakes up to signs of his birthday party. I'll be sending him and Trillian over to a local daycare's open house (possible summer option) for a bit in the morning so that I can organize a few other things. Then the reinforcements will come, bringing balloons and the rest of our party stuff--hooray for living near the in-laws!
The weather forecast is in our favor, and it's supposed to be warm and sunny (don't hate me, Canadians). Cross your fingers that it stays that way; my sanity may depend on being able to leave them outside for a good chunk of time.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
To Easter bunny or not to Easter bunny
Our Easter's have usually been low-key. Trillian's mom has always sent some lovely basket of treats to us; especially when we lived away from them, she has felt the need to send some tangible evidence of her holiday wishes for us. We've never minded--one less thing for us to worry about. In fact, we have generally done nothing to mark the holiday than give Scooter the basket. Last year, we did color eggs, but the highlight of that day was a trip to the Ontario Science Centre.
This year, we will be specifically celebrating Easter. Trillian's parents will hide the Easter eggs that Scooter dyed with them and we will have an official Easter lunch. There will be a pretty full basket. I packed up some gluten-free candy we'd found, plus a toy I bought a while that just happens to come in an egg-shaped container, and one of Scooter's old baskets. I handed these over to Trillian's mother who will be adding her traditional gifts (bunny and book), plus more candy.
I haven't quite figured out how I feel about this more overt celebration and how I want all of this presented to Scooter. It's a little late to define things for this year, but I've realized that we will need to think about this for next year. Personally, ever since the Easter story was first explained to me (by classmates when I was 12), I have felt odd about marking it in any way, as this is the part of the Christ story--well this and the virgin birth bit--that I cannot believe at all. On the other hand, I cannot deny the fun of hunting for eggs and the cuteness of bunnies, not to mention family tradition.
I know that at some point I will present these last two elements of the holiday with their representation of fertility and the start of Spring. But that's a little further off, once Scooter is old enough to learn about the history of different holidays and syncretism.
This year, talk is of the Easter bunny.
As recently as yesterday, I thought that this was already a moot point. When I was trying to get Scooter to explain the note from school at the end of the daily report--"Be sure to bring your Easter bunnies on Monday"--his emphatic response was, "There is no Easter bunny." I suspect he's supposed to bring a stuffed rabbit, but am unsure and have no idea why.
(Side note: I was considering myself so lucky when I read Metro Mama's post about sending Easter stuff to school--and now this. I worry about the issue of religion in public schools and so am uneasy that I don't know what the purpose behind this is. Trillian thinks we should send a note asking what they'll be doing for Passover. My concern with that is that they then assume we're Jewish, and I have a complex about this since I have a Jewish last name and went through that very thing my whole childhood. I don't want to get too defensive about it, but I also feel incredibly strongly about the manner in which my son is introduced to religious ideas. Anyway, this will be a whole 'nother post.)
Secretly (really, Trillian and I didn't confirm or deny his assertion), we were happy he felt this way. But then when he was coloring eggs with his grandmother and great-grandmother, apparently the topic came up again. At first, Scooter vehemently denied the Easter bunny's existence. But when my mother-in-law said that maybe the Easter bunny would hide eggs for him, he thought about it for awhile. Where he seems to be now is of the belief that there is not an Easter bunny in Springfield, but there is one in Capital City. The Easter bunny will ring Grandma and Grandpa's doorbell and they'll give him the eggs that Scooter decorated. Then the Easter bunny will hide them for Scooter.
I'm torn in how I feel about this. On the one hand, having Scooter believe that the Easter bunny does not exist is the end result I desire, so if that's what he already believes, mission accomplished. On the other, I do want him to work through ideas, test out theories, come to conclusions on his own steam, not simply accept what he is told. This particular instance is complicated by the fact that I don't know how he came to his first conclusion--the Easter bunny is actually not something we've discussed one way or the other. And while I was not present for the conversation with his grandmother (irony alert: Trillian and I were meeting up with some other nonreligious parents and discussing raising freethinking children), I know that he felt the need to revise his theory because she responded to his assertion against the Easter bunny's existence with the suggestion that maybe he'd come to their house.
Sigh. I know that this is just a taste of what's to come. Here's hoping I can find the energy and clarity to follow through on my intentions.
This year, we will be specifically celebrating Easter. Trillian's parents will hide the Easter eggs that Scooter dyed with them and we will have an official Easter lunch. There will be a pretty full basket. I packed up some gluten-free candy we'd found, plus a toy I bought a while that just happens to come in an egg-shaped container, and one of Scooter's old baskets. I handed these over to Trillian's mother who will be adding her traditional gifts (bunny and book), plus more candy.
I haven't quite figured out how I feel about this more overt celebration and how I want all of this presented to Scooter. It's a little late to define things for this year, but I've realized that we will need to think about this for next year. Personally, ever since the Easter story was first explained to me (by classmates when I was 12), I have felt odd about marking it in any way, as this is the part of the Christ story--well this and the virgin birth bit--that I cannot believe at all. On the other hand, I cannot deny the fun of hunting for eggs and the cuteness of bunnies, not to mention family tradition.
I know that at some point I will present these last two elements of the holiday with their representation of fertility and the start of Spring. But that's a little further off, once Scooter is old enough to learn about the history of different holidays and syncretism.
This year, talk is of the Easter bunny.
As recently as yesterday, I thought that this was already a moot point. When I was trying to get Scooter to explain the note from school at the end of the daily report--"Be sure to bring your Easter bunnies on Monday"--his emphatic response was, "There is no Easter bunny." I suspect he's supposed to bring a stuffed rabbit, but am unsure and have no idea why.
(Side note: I was considering myself so lucky when I read Metro Mama's post about sending Easter stuff to school--and now this. I worry about the issue of religion in public schools and so am uneasy that I don't know what the purpose behind this is. Trillian thinks we should send a note asking what they'll be doing for Passover. My concern with that is that they then assume we're Jewish, and I have a complex about this since I have a Jewish last name and went through that very thing my whole childhood. I don't want to get too defensive about it, but I also feel incredibly strongly about the manner in which my son is introduced to religious ideas. Anyway, this will be a whole 'nother post.)
Secretly (really, Trillian and I didn't confirm or deny his assertion), we were happy he felt this way. But then when he was coloring eggs with his grandmother and great-grandmother, apparently the topic came up again. At first, Scooter vehemently denied the Easter bunny's existence. But when my mother-in-law said that maybe the Easter bunny would hide eggs for him, he thought about it for awhile. Where he seems to be now is of the belief that there is not an Easter bunny in Springfield, but there is one in Capital City. The Easter bunny will ring Grandma and Grandpa's doorbell and they'll give him the eggs that Scooter decorated. Then the Easter bunny will hide them for Scooter.
I'm torn in how I feel about this. On the one hand, having Scooter believe that the Easter bunny does not exist is the end result I desire, so if that's what he already believes, mission accomplished. On the other, I do want him to work through ideas, test out theories, come to conclusions on his own steam, not simply accept what he is told. This particular instance is complicated by the fact that I don't know how he came to his first conclusion--the Easter bunny is actually not something we've discussed one way or the other. And while I was not present for the conversation with his grandmother (irony alert: Trillian and I were meeting up with some other nonreligious parents and discussing raising freethinking children), I know that he felt the need to revise his theory because she responded to his assertion against the Easter bunny's existence with the suggestion that maybe he'd come to their house.
Sigh. I know that this is just a taste of what's to come. Here's hoping I can find the energy and clarity to follow through on my intentions.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
A lifetime ago, literally
Five years ago, Bush finally invaded Iraq. I remember that it felt like an inevitability for some time before that. And I remember spending most of the time leading up to this wondering what the hell I had done.
I was just about 39 weeks pregnant.
Not that I didn't know the state of affairs was more precarious than usual when I went out and purposely got pregnant--that happened not quite a year after 9/11.
But there was something about the start of a war that somehow combined with late-pregnancy hormones to make me think I was absolutely nuts.
In my younger days, I would have been out there protesting, as I may have done over Gulf War 1.0 (sorry, Conflict, not an official war). I may have pointed out to fellow students that the US was not below manipulating the media when they laughed over reports that the Iraqi government was telling their people that they were winning.
In the lead up to the current Gulf Morass, I did not think that I was in the best shape for protesting, particular if things got out of hand. I bit my tongue a lot so that I could play the role of facilitating my students' discussions and concerns about events without getting up on my soapbox. I may, however, have read my advisees The Butter Battle Book.
And about a week after the official start, my son was born and my world changed, even if the world at large did not.
A lot has happened for my family over the past five years. We moved out of the country and back again; I take some pleasure from the fact that our tax money didn't go towards the Gulf War for a couple years (Afghanistan, yes; Iraq, no). We've dealt with a number of health issues and watched our son become a non-top talker with slightly better balance.
I don't think that my son is aware of the war; it's outside the scope of his world. But I am certainly aware and would have hoped--not expected, but hoped--not to see this landmark birthday/anniversary echoing his entry five years ago.
I was just about 39 weeks pregnant.
Not that I didn't know the state of affairs was more precarious than usual when I went out and purposely got pregnant--that happened not quite a year after 9/11.
But there was something about the start of a war that somehow combined with late-pregnancy hormones to make me think I was absolutely nuts.
In my younger days, I would have been out there protesting, as I may have done over Gulf War 1.0 (sorry, Conflict, not an official war). I may have pointed out to fellow students that the US was not below manipulating the media when they laughed over reports that the Iraqi government was telling their people that they were winning.
In the lead up to the current Gulf Morass, I did not think that I was in the best shape for protesting, particular if things got out of hand. I bit my tongue a lot so that I could play the role of facilitating my students' discussions and concerns about events without getting up on my soapbox. I may, however, have read my advisees The Butter Battle Book.
And about a week after the official start, my son was born and my world changed, even if the world at large did not.
A lot has happened for my family over the past five years. We moved out of the country and back again; I take some pleasure from the fact that our tax money didn't go towards the Gulf War for a couple years (Afghanistan, yes; Iraq, no). We've dealt with a number of health issues and watched our son become a non-top talker with slightly better balance.
I don't think that my son is aware of the war; it's outside the scope of his world. But I am certainly aware and would have hoped--not expected, but hoped--not to see this landmark birthday/anniversary echoing his entry five years ago.
Call me crazy
In eight days, I will have as many as ten four- and five-year-olds in my house. For two hours.
This is our first foray into throwing a birthday party. We've done special snacks at preschool and family gatherings, but never organized an honest-to-goodness cake-and-favors kind of party. We briefly considered it last year, but we were in the middle of all of the evaluations--plus, his class was 25 kids strong and it seemed to be standard practice to invite the whole class. Here, at least, there are nine kids in his class, plus a neighborhood kid or two in the same age range.
The theme was easy to decide: Thomas the Tank Engine. Thomas on everything. Another train cake, gluten free this year. Train-themed games (pin the caboose on the train, follow the engine). Train whistles and stickers to take home.
At least I won't be doing this alone. Trillian and her mother and grandmother all will be on hand. Four adults to direct the chaos and make nice with the parents who stick around.
Of course, I had a moment of panic about the other possibility today as I sent the invitations to school in Scooter's backpack. What if nobody comes? Scooter's not totally worked up about the party at this point, but I think he understands enough to have the general gist of what's been planned. I'm hoping that his status as "new kid" doesn't work against him and actually encourages some parents to send their kids.
In either case, if you don't hear from me after next Wednesday, you can assume I've been committed.
This is our first foray into throwing a birthday party. We've done special snacks at preschool and family gatherings, but never organized an honest-to-goodness cake-and-favors kind of party. We briefly considered it last year, but we were in the middle of all of the evaluations--plus, his class was 25 kids strong and it seemed to be standard practice to invite the whole class. Here, at least, there are nine kids in his class, plus a neighborhood kid or two in the same age range.
The theme was easy to decide: Thomas the Tank Engine. Thomas on everything. Another train cake, gluten free this year. Train-themed games (pin the caboose on the train, follow the engine). Train whistles and stickers to take home.
At least I won't be doing this alone. Trillian and her mother and grandmother all will be on hand. Four adults to direct the chaos and make nice with the parents who stick around.
Of course, I had a moment of panic about the other possibility today as I sent the invitations to school in Scooter's backpack. What if nobody comes? Scooter's not totally worked up about the party at this point, but I think he understands enough to have the general gist of what's been planned. I'm hoping that his status as "new kid" doesn't work against him and actually encourages some parents to send their kids.
In either case, if you don't hear from me after next Wednesday, you can assume I've been committed.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Unstimulated
I have just finished our taxes. Still have to figure out what needs to be copied and attach various forms before stuffing in envelopes, but the information is all on paper.
[Highlight moment: Chat version of help for QuickTax (Intuit's Canadian version of TurboTax). Basically I bedeviled a customer service agent because I found what amounts to a bug. Trillian and I timed issues having to do with residency so that we could claim residence for tax reasons in Canada through the end of 2007 and the US starting at the beginning of 2008--much easier for taxes, we've done this twice before. So the answer to the question of my residency at the end of the tax year was "Ontario." After that, the program would not allow me to type in a residence outside of Canada. The agent told me I should indicate "Non-resident" for the earlier question, but I pointed out to him that this was not the case for tax purposes and would cause the program to treat my taxes differently than required. He somehow thought the Canada Revenue Agency might have trouble taking my money with a US address. I assured him that I was pretty sure they'd find a way to take my money. Really, it was a fun time for all. Anyways...]
One of the things TurboTax informed me is that neither Trillian nor I qualify for the "economic stimulus payment" that Bush is tossing at people in a desperate bid to salvage his legacy. To be sure, my thought when he did this back in 2001 was that we would probably end up paying many times the $300 we received down the road (through taxes and economic problems). This time, many people will receive double the amount--to my mind, even more trouble in the future.
Now Trillian and I don't need this money and we would have just put whatever we got into a college savings account (thereby not creating the economic stimulus intended), so this is not a "where's my piece of the pie?" complaint. Rather, my issue is the reason we are not receiving the money. Neither Trillian nor I earned enough in the US (though Canada got its fair share from us, including money for the OHIP premium, even though we are not eligible for any benefits--but that's a whole other post). Our US earnings in both cases were zeroed out by deductions; therefore, we make too little on paper to get this "free" money. And yet I have to think that people who end up with the same initial numbers we did (ours when Canadian earnings are excluded, theirs probably absolute numbers) could find much greater and more urgent use for these checks, but they won't be seeing them.
Is it November yet?
[Highlight moment: Chat version of help for QuickTax (Intuit's Canadian version of TurboTax). Basically I bedeviled a customer service agent because I found what amounts to a bug. Trillian and I timed issues having to do with residency so that we could claim residence for tax reasons in Canada through the end of 2007 and the US starting at the beginning of 2008--much easier for taxes, we've done this twice before. So the answer to the question of my residency at the end of the tax year was "Ontario." After that, the program would not allow me to type in a residence outside of Canada. The agent told me I should indicate "Non-resident" for the earlier question, but I pointed out to him that this was not the case for tax purposes and would cause the program to treat my taxes differently than required. He somehow thought the Canada Revenue Agency might have trouble taking my money with a US address. I assured him that I was pretty sure they'd find a way to take my money. Really, it was a fun time for all. Anyways...]
One of the things TurboTax informed me is that neither Trillian nor I qualify for the "economic stimulus payment" that Bush is tossing at people in a desperate bid to salvage his legacy. To be sure, my thought when he did this back in 2001 was that we would probably end up paying many times the $300 we received down the road (through taxes and economic problems). This time, many people will receive double the amount--to my mind, even more trouble in the future.
Now Trillian and I don't need this money and we would have just put whatever we got into a college savings account (thereby not creating the economic stimulus intended), so this is not a "where's my piece of the pie?" complaint. Rather, my issue is the reason we are not receiving the money. Neither Trillian nor I earned enough in the US (though Canada got its fair share from us, including money for the OHIP premium, even though we are not eligible for any benefits--but that's a whole other post). Our US earnings in both cases were zeroed out by deductions; therefore, we make too little on paper to get this "free" money. And yet I have to think that people who end up with the same initial numbers we did (ours when Canadian earnings are excluded, theirs probably absolute numbers) could find much greater and more urgent use for these checks, but they won't be seeing them.
Is it November yet?
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