While I did not come up with a specific new action for June and haven't planned anything specific for this month (see last week's post for my recent lull), yesterday's post reminded me that there are several areas where I've made little changes that I haven't already mentioned.
One of them is remembering to bring a travel mug with me to campus. I already did this to some extent, but generally only remembered the mug if I was bringing my morning latte (made at home) with me; on the mornings when I forgot, I'd end up buying a bottled water or juice or a drink at Starbucks or Second Cup. At about the same time I was focusing on bringing cloth bags with me for shopping, I also realized (duh) that it would be pretty easy to stick a travel mug in one of my backpack's water bottle holders each morning, even if I wasn't making coffee. Now I don't always remember to bring one on non-school trips, such as the coffee Trillian and I frequently get at Whole Foods during our weekly trip, but that's the next step.
We've also been trying to cut down on the amount of food we end up throwing out, as much because it's a waste as because it's a waste of money. Far too often, we found that we'd bought some vegetables or dairy product only to throw most of it out a couple weeks later. And so we're doing a better job of planning ahead and only buying things we'll actually eat. This does not mean we're not throwing anything away, but there is improvement. Especially since our building doesn't have the green bin program, decreasing the amount of food that goes into the garbage leads to less garbage from our household.
Weightier issues to come soon.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Defeating the purpose
Before I went to teach today, I stopped by the Second Cup in that building to get some coffee for class. When the barista was ready to take my order, I handed her my travel mug and asked for a small coffee.
Now the mug is a little bit bigger than a small, but it is not as big as a medium. Most coffee shop employees will either not quite fill the mug or just go ahead and give me the extra. I am fine with both. On the one hand, I recognize that giving me more than the exact 12 ounces eats into the profit margin; on the other, considering the amount of coffee and/or milk that actually translates to, it's not like giving out a free drink or not charging for soy milk. But the fact remains that the main reason I bring the mug comes from my desire to decrease my environmental impact. The little bit extra, even the 10-cent discount they usually give me, do not determine my action.
Nevertheless, I feel I must take exception with how things played out today. See if you can spot the problems:
I didn't say anything. I know I should have. But I was dumbstruck by her process. And cutting it close to class time. Next time, though, next time I will definitely explain my frustration.
Now the mug is a little bit bigger than a small, but it is not as big as a medium. Most coffee shop employees will either not quite fill the mug or just go ahead and give me the extra. I am fine with both. On the one hand, I recognize that giving me more than the exact 12 ounces eats into the profit margin; on the other, considering the amount of coffee and/or milk that actually translates to, it's not like giving out a free drink or not charging for soy milk. But the fact remains that the main reason I bring the mug comes from my desire to decrease my environmental impact. The little bit extra, even the 10-cent discount they usually give me, do not determine my action.
Nevertheless, I feel I must take exception with how things played out today. See if you can spot the problems:
- Barista takes my mug and sets it down on the counter.
- She picks up one of their small disposable cups.
- She fills this cup with coffee.
- She stops filling the cup when she gets to the point one might expect if ordering "a small coffee with lots of room."
- She pours the coffee into my mug.
- I assume this step since I couldn't see: She throws away cup used for measuring.
I didn't say anything. I know I should have. But I was dumbstruck by her process. And cutting it close to class time. Next time, though, next time I will definitely explain my frustration.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Why I need to stop reading BabyCenter
Another chapter in my baby obsession.
I heard about BabyCenter's Birth Clubs sometime before the last time I got pregnant. And so I peeked into the October 2007 Birth Club for several weeks before the miscarriage. But now that I'm getting back in the saddle (or should I say "stirrups"), I find myself wandering back over there a couple times a day and poking around different boards.
Did you know that the December 2008 club is already active? These are people who plan on starting to try to conceive in March 2008. Members of the January and February 2008 boards are fairly well established now. March is a mix of those who have just found out they're pregnant and those who are waiting to test. April and May are ramping up for their attempts.
I never actually post. I haven't even created an account, in part so I don't start spending more time there. And I constantly tell myself it wouldn't be worth the effort since I don't plan on going back over there again. Because I get both annoyed and sucked in every time I read. Many different things on the boards annoy me. Some of them, I fully admit, are petty, but they add up for me.
Now when I look at the January, February, and March 2008 boards, where there are women going through this loss, an additional train of thought begins running through my head. What if I have another miscarriage? Will I be able to have another baby? Can I hold up mentally if this happens again? What would I do? My biggest fears stem not from trouble getting pregnant, but being able to stay pregnant. I know that I need to banish such thoughts and try to focus on the positive, remind myself that there is no reason to fixate on the negative. Obviously the easiest way to do this is to avoid reading these boards.
But it may take some sort of block to keep me from going back.
I heard about BabyCenter's Birth Clubs sometime before the last time I got pregnant. And so I peeked into the October 2007 Birth Club for several weeks before the miscarriage. But now that I'm getting back in the saddle (or should I say "stirrups"), I find myself wandering back over there a couple times a day and poking around different boards.
Did you know that the December 2008 club is already active? These are people who plan on starting to try to conceive in March 2008. Members of the January and February 2008 boards are fairly well established now. March is a mix of those who have just found out they're pregnant and those who are waiting to test. April and May are ramping up for their attempts.
I never actually post. I haven't even created an account, in part so I don't start spending more time there. And I constantly tell myself it wouldn't be worth the effort since I don't plan on going back over there again. Because I get both annoyed and sucked in every time I read. Many different things on the boards annoy me. Some of them, I fully admit, are petty, but they add up for me.
- Spelling and grammar. So many posts have the sorts of errors that just jump out at me--their/there/they're, your/you're. And even when I can get myself to look past all of that, I've come across a good number of posts that are so badly spelled, typed, phrased that it takes me a lot of work to figure out the poster's intended meaning.
- Redundancy. Different posters, but same questions, concerns, symptoms. There are slight variations on the themes and often there's enough time between similar posts that not everyone is aware of what's been said, but there really isn't much of a reason for me to read the boards regularly.
- No common ground--the lesbian thing. The boards reek of heterosexuality. I have literally not seen another lesbian in the Birth Clubs. There is a lesbian pregnancy board, but that board is more spread out than the monthly boards since there are fewer lesbians overall. I've also found that the other problems still exist. I've said this to some of my (straight) mommy blogging friends: being a lesbian is just not enough to create a friendship if there's nothing else. And from a little I've read on the lesbian board, most of those women don't feel very welcome on the other boards; some have been flamed for bringing up their sexual orientation.
- No common ground--other things. I could probably find friends among the heterosexuals, despite the above, if there were other shared areas (and I wouldn't have to worry about drawing angry responses just for being matter-of-fact about my family). But I don't think I'd fit in for my views on religion, family size, and environmental views, to name just a few.
Now when I look at the January, February, and March 2008 boards, where there are women going through this loss, an additional train of thought begins running through my head. What if I have another miscarriage? Will I be able to have another baby? Can I hold up mentally if this happens again? What would I do? My biggest fears stem not from trouble getting pregnant, but being able to stay pregnant. I know that I need to banish such thoughts and try to focus on the positive, remind myself that there is no reason to fixate on the negative. Obviously the easiest way to do this is to avoid reading these boards.
But it may take some sort of block to keep me from going back.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Movie watching
Between borrowings from the library and a couple of days when Trillian and I could get away at the same time, we've seen four movies in the past two weeks--two of them in the theater! They have run the gamut from drama to family entertainment to comedy.
One of the movies we borrowed was Brokeback Mountain. In some ways I felt a sense of obligation to see it, because of the whole gay thing. And so Trillian and I put it in the PS2 (still need to replace the broken DVD player) one evening when I had little work to do. The beginning was a little slow, but the scenery and music sucked me in. And even though I read the short story it's based on a couple years ago and knew how things would unfold, I found the storytelling completely enthralling.
As I often do while watching a movie at home, I looked through the IMDB entry. One of the trivia items: "According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke co-star Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene." This gets at one aspect of the acting that really came through in the movie: the two leads did not hold back in any way. The desperation and desire between the two characters is palpable. And I really appreciated what I read in the interviews. So often, actors who find themselves in the position of "playing gay" will mention how uncomfortable they were with love scenes or that they had to drink a little before filming to loosen their inhibitions. Everything I read from Ledger and Gyllenhaal addresses the circumstances of the characters in a respectful and insightful manner and never ventures into the "ick" territory.
Moving to the film we saw with Scooter. Since school was closed on July 2, Trillian decided to sneak away with us to a midday showing of Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille. While it may not have been Scooter's idea of a great movie, I enjoyed both the storyline and the animation--although I still was a bit grossed out at the idea of a rat cooking. It served as a reminder to Trillian and me, however, that movies in the theater will probably not be Scooter's thing for quite some time--Cars last year happened to be the perfect confluence of subject matter and story, something unlikely to be matched for a while. He was scared by a good deal of it and spent much of the movie hiding behind me so that he could watch from relative safety. He's very sensitive to the way movies set the mood through music and lighting, so even some of the not-truly-scary parts worried him; since we are dealing with rats and sewers and the like here, many of the scenes were on the dark side, automatically making him wary.
The other movie Trillian and I saw in the theater was Evan Almighty. We both really like Steve Carell and thoroughly enjoyed Bruce Almighty several years ago. The movie has its truly hilarious moments, and Wanda Sykes has some of the funniest lines (though I think you could have her deliver the saddest of news and still have people laughing). But the "big message" of the movie ended up being a bit much for us. Now it's been a long time since I saw the first movie, so maybe I'm just not remembering, but it seemed to me that there was less of a religious aspect to the storyline. The other possibility is that for Trillian and me our atheism has become a much more conscious belief. We've always felt this way, but have recently spent some time reading about religion and atheism, so we may just be more aware of how much the movie was using the religious aspect.
This similarly affected our recent viewing of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. For this movie, there is a much deeper personal history, however. I first read the book when I was 6-almost-7. Loved it. Loved the magical element, the escapism, the talking animals, the triumph of good over evil. Not having had any religious education at that time, the analogy of Aslan as a Christ-figure never crossed my mind. My father explained it to me at some point after I'd read the book (which I followed with the rest of the series). I refused to believe it at the time, but had to acknowledge Lewis' use of religion when I came to know more of the Bible. And I haven't read any of the Chronicles of Narnia since.
But I really did want to see the movie. In part to capture that magic of my childhood, in part because I'm a bit enamored of Tilda Swinton and have thought all along that she was the perfect choice for the White Queen. And so, despite the little voice in my head that had some things to say about Aslan and his sacrifice, I was mostly able to let myself get carried away into the fantastical world of Narnia. This is CGI at its best: gorgeous scenery and a mix of real and imagined creatures who blend together seamlessly. It's not all flash either, as the children did an excellent job (Lucy was cute as a button to boot) and Swinton was everything I'd expected and more. It makes me want to read the books again.
And now back to the real world and the mountain of planning that awaits me for the week.
One of the movies we borrowed was Brokeback Mountain. In some ways I felt a sense of obligation to see it, because of the whole gay thing. And so Trillian and I put it in the PS2 (still need to replace the broken DVD player) one evening when I had little work to do. The beginning was a little slow, but the scenery and music sucked me in. And even though I read the short story it's based on a couple years ago and knew how things would unfold, I found the storytelling completely enthralling.
As I often do while watching a movie at home, I looked through the IMDB entry. One of the trivia items: "According to reports, Heath Ledger nearly broke co-star Jake Gyllenhaal's nose while filming a kissing scene." This gets at one aspect of the acting that really came through in the movie: the two leads did not hold back in any way. The desperation and desire between the two characters is palpable. And I really appreciated what I read in the interviews. So often, actors who find themselves in the position of "playing gay" will mention how uncomfortable they were with love scenes or that they had to drink a little before filming to loosen their inhibitions. Everything I read from Ledger and Gyllenhaal addresses the circumstances of the characters in a respectful and insightful manner and never ventures into the "ick" territory.
Moving to the film we saw with Scooter. Since school was closed on July 2, Trillian decided to sneak away with us to a midday showing of Disney/Pixar's Ratatouille. While it may not have been Scooter's idea of a great movie, I enjoyed both the storyline and the animation--although I still was a bit grossed out at the idea of a rat cooking. It served as a reminder to Trillian and me, however, that movies in the theater will probably not be Scooter's thing for quite some time--Cars last year happened to be the perfect confluence of subject matter and story, something unlikely to be matched for a while. He was scared by a good deal of it and spent much of the movie hiding behind me so that he could watch from relative safety. He's very sensitive to the way movies set the mood through music and lighting, so even some of the not-truly-scary parts worried him; since we are dealing with rats and sewers and the like here, many of the scenes were on the dark side, automatically making him wary.
The other movie Trillian and I saw in the theater was Evan Almighty. We both really like Steve Carell and thoroughly enjoyed Bruce Almighty several years ago. The movie has its truly hilarious moments, and Wanda Sykes has some of the funniest lines (though I think you could have her deliver the saddest of news and still have people laughing). But the "big message" of the movie ended up being a bit much for us. Now it's been a long time since I saw the first movie, so maybe I'm just not remembering, but it seemed to me that there was less of a religious aspect to the storyline. The other possibility is that for Trillian and me our atheism has become a much more conscious belief. We've always felt this way, but have recently spent some time reading about religion and atheism, so we may just be more aware of how much the movie was using the religious aspect.
This similarly affected our recent viewing of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. For this movie, there is a much deeper personal history, however. I first read the book when I was 6-almost-7. Loved it. Loved the magical element, the escapism, the talking animals, the triumph of good over evil. Not having had any religious education at that time, the analogy of Aslan as a Christ-figure never crossed my mind. My father explained it to me at some point after I'd read the book (which I followed with the rest of the series). I refused to believe it at the time, but had to acknowledge Lewis' use of religion when I came to know more of the Bible. And I haven't read any of the Chronicles of Narnia since.
But I really did want to see the movie. In part to capture that magic of my childhood, in part because I'm a bit enamored of Tilda Swinton and have thought all along that she was the perfect choice for the White Queen. And so, despite the little voice in my head that had some things to say about Aslan and his sacrifice, I was mostly able to let myself get carried away into the fantastical world of Narnia. This is CGI at its best: gorgeous scenery and a mix of real and imagined creatures who blend together seamlessly. It's not all flash either, as the children did an excellent job (Lucy was cute as a button to boot) and Swinton was everything I'd expected and more. It makes me want to read the books again.
And now back to the real world and the mountain of planning that awaits me for the week.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Global Warming Wednesday: Overwhelmed
If you hadn't noticed, I was less than consistent with this weekly feature last month. At least twice, I was just too overwhelmed to write a coherent post.
Some of this comes from dealing with things at home, particularly as Trillian and I forge ahead with our plans to move near the grandparents. And while we are going about it methodically and getting things lined up nicely, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the enormity of the undertaking.
A subset of that is trying to get myself together enough to put in an application for the one job in that area that is actually related to my field and that I would be able to get while still working on my PhD. On top of teaching and working on my comps.
But some of that overwhelmed feeling was also coming from the reading I do for this series. In particular, No Impact Man linked to a site that is encouraging people to try and reduce their environmental footprint by 90%. OK, maybe not quite that drastic. The goal is to consume only 10% of the average consumption in the US (and, the assumption is, Canada would be about the same). So if you've made efforts to reduce already, you wouldn't have another 90% to go.
Now, to be fair, the people who created this project are not saying it's all or nothing and are encouraging people to commit to as much as they can--and gradually at that. But their 90% is based on a generous rounding of the 94% reduction that has been figured as how much we need to reduce to get US consumption down to a reasonable and fair level.
And I started to fall back into my old pattern of panicking. I'm not doing enough! I can never do enough! I'll never be able to meet those sorts of goals.
Then I decided it was time to back off for a little bit. To recognize that I'm dealing with some big stuff in my life and need to put that first right now. I'm not backing off of the things I've already started, and there are a few more little things I'm incorporating into my life. But it's unrealistic to think I can take on other big things right now. And so I remind myself of another post from No Impact Man last month: Be kind to the planet by being kind to yourself. It won't solve all the planet's ills, but I expect it will help me last long enough to do a little more.
Some of this comes from dealing with things at home, particularly as Trillian and I forge ahead with our plans to move near the grandparents. And while we are going about it methodically and getting things lined up nicely, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the enormity of the undertaking.
A subset of that is trying to get myself together enough to put in an application for the one job in that area that is actually related to my field and that I would be able to get while still working on my PhD. On top of teaching and working on my comps.
But some of that overwhelmed feeling was also coming from the reading I do for this series. In particular, No Impact Man linked to a site that is encouraging people to try and reduce their environmental footprint by 90%. OK, maybe not quite that drastic. The goal is to consume only 10% of the average consumption in the US (and, the assumption is, Canada would be about the same). So if you've made efforts to reduce already, you wouldn't have another 90% to go.
Now, to be fair, the people who created this project are not saying it's all or nothing and are encouraging people to commit to as much as they can--and gradually at that. But their 90% is based on a generous rounding of the 94% reduction that has been figured as how much we need to reduce to get US consumption down to a reasonable and fair level.
And I started to fall back into my old pattern of panicking. I'm not doing enough! I can never do enough! I'll never be able to meet those sorts of goals.
Then I decided it was time to back off for a little bit. To recognize that I'm dealing with some big stuff in my life and need to put that first right now. I'm not backing off of the things I've already started, and there are a few more little things I'm incorporating into my life. But it's unrealistic to think I can take on other big things right now. And so I remind myself of another post from No Impact Man last month: Be kind to the planet by being kind to yourself. It won't solve all the planet's ills, but I expect it will help me last long enough to do a little more.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Celebrating the little things
On this day between the Canada Day long weekend and Independence Day, I thought that I would make a list of little things that I like about each country. A touch of frivolity instead of big, heavy politics.
Junk food. I find that packaged chips, cookies, and sodas taste better in Canada. Trillian and I wondered if this was just a figment of our imagination, but when we had a chance to compare ingredients lists, we discovered that there's a reason. Such foods in Canada tend to have a shorter list of ingredients, fewer chemicals, more real foods. The sodas up here have sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. Chips Ahoy taste less of preservatives. Not necessarily good for my waistline, but something I definitely appreciate.
Selection of frozen foods. Particularly, vegetarian foods from Morningstar, which are not available in Canada. Trillian's not at all fond of vegetarian cuisine, but even she adores their version of corn dogs. We used to have several of these sorts of products in our freezer at all times, even once I gave up my vegetarianism during pregnancy and breastfeeding. When we move back, you can bet I'll be grabbing some veggie bacon, sausage, and those corn dogs.
Chocolate. OK, officially a junk food, but it really does deserve its own category. Trillian and I fell in love with Aero bars when we discovered them at a British import shop. And we still love that you can get them pretty much anywhere (like, say, the candy aisle at Costco). Back in the US, I ordered a case for Trillian's birthday one year--from a Canadian company. I suspect we'll be doing that again.
Online shopping. But it will be fairly easy for us to order our chocolate in the US, because online shopping is a lot easier in the US. I got used to taking advantage of free shipping offers and comparison shopping between multiple sites. There are fewer choices up here and ordering from the US is bound to add beaucoup bucks to the base price--if the site can even handle a Canadian address. I don't even expect to do it all that often (patronizing local stores, etc), but I like knowing its a possibility.
Loonies and Toonies. I have to admit, I found it difficult at first to have no paper money smaller than a five and had to constantly remind myself not to just dump my "change" into the tip jar. And even though it can still be difficult to figure out what to do with a fistful of change when I'm without pockets (and I rarely carry a purse), I've come to be very fond of them. I still get a thrill out of discovering I have enough for a coffee or a snack even when I have no paper money. And it makes dealing with vending machines easier since I so often have trouble with machines not wanting to take my bills. And I prefer the pocketful of change to a wallet that's packed with singles.
Netflix. We were early members of Netflix and loved having the service. They have an amazing range of movies and had a warehouse close to us, so turn around was quite fast. At one point, they talked about expanding into Canada, and it was not until right before we moved here that those plans changed. None of the Canadian services matched what we were used to. So we've been using the library here, which has allowed us to see a number of movies on our list, but the availability is not quite the same.
I could come up with more, but in the spirit of that last one, I'm headed for TV time.
Junk food. I find that packaged chips, cookies, and sodas taste better in Canada. Trillian and I wondered if this was just a figment of our imagination, but when we had a chance to compare ingredients lists, we discovered that there's a reason. Such foods in Canada tend to have a shorter list of ingredients, fewer chemicals, more real foods. The sodas up here have sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. Chips Ahoy taste less of preservatives. Not necessarily good for my waistline, but something I definitely appreciate.
Selection of frozen foods. Particularly, vegetarian foods from Morningstar, which are not available in Canada. Trillian's not at all fond of vegetarian cuisine, but even she adores their version of corn dogs. We used to have several of these sorts of products in our freezer at all times, even once I gave up my vegetarianism during pregnancy and breastfeeding. When we move back, you can bet I'll be grabbing some veggie bacon, sausage, and those corn dogs.
Chocolate. OK, officially a junk food, but it really does deserve its own category. Trillian and I fell in love with Aero bars when we discovered them at a British import shop. And we still love that you can get them pretty much anywhere (like, say, the candy aisle at Costco). Back in the US, I ordered a case for Trillian's birthday one year--from a Canadian company. I suspect we'll be doing that again.
Online shopping. But it will be fairly easy for us to order our chocolate in the US, because online shopping is a lot easier in the US. I got used to taking advantage of free shipping offers and comparison shopping between multiple sites. There are fewer choices up here and ordering from the US is bound to add beaucoup bucks to the base price--if the site can even handle a Canadian address. I don't even expect to do it all that often (patronizing local stores, etc), but I like knowing its a possibility.
Loonies and Toonies. I have to admit, I found it difficult at first to have no paper money smaller than a five and had to constantly remind myself not to just dump my "change" into the tip jar. And even though it can still be difficult to figure out what to do with a fistful of change when I'm without pockets (and I rarely carry a purse), I've come to be very fond of them. I still get a thrill out of discovering I have enough for a coffee or a snack even when I have no paper money. And it makes dealing with vending machines easier since I so often have trouble with machines not wanting to take my bills. And I prefer the pocketful of change to a wallet that's packed with singles.
Netflix. We were early members of Netflix and loved having the service. They have an amazing range of movies and had a warehouse close to us, so turn around was quite fast. At one point, they talked about expanding into Canada, and it was not until right before we moved here that those plans changed. None of the Canadian services matched what we were used to. So we've been using the library here, which has allowed us to see a number of movies on our list, but the availability is not quite the same.
I could come up with more, but in the spirit of that last one, I'm headed for TV time.
Monday, July 02, 2007
On my mother, part I
If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, the following will not surprise you: when faced with a new situation, I go into research mode and read everything I can. And so, even before I got pregnant with Scooter, I had already started the research, starting with a book on conception and pregnancy that was written by a lesbian. Once I was pregnant, I bought a couple more books and got even more out of the library.
As I would devour them, one topic that always came up would give me pause: the change in relationship with one's own mother. Most books suggested that pregnancy and early motherhood would be a time in which I would gain new perspective on my own mother, usually with the optimistic belief that it would deepen and strengthen that relationship. Only the book written by the lesbian suggested otherwise. She discussed the fact that lesbians are frequently isolated from their families of birth and that there can be additional difficulties with the parents of the non-biological mother; however, she also included anecdotes from various women about how parents would often come around after the baby's birth.
We had no concerns about Trillian's parents. They'd been dropping hints--not even subtle--about grandchildren for some time, and I suspect that they know their daughter well enough to have known she wouldn't be the one carrying the child. And it's not that I was particularly estranged from my own mother, not in the "I refuse to acknowledge my lesbian daughter" kind of way, at any rate. But no matter how much some part of me fervently hoped these books would be right, I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Nonetheless, I made a few extra attempts when I was pregnant. I remember one phone call I made, ostensibly to get some family health information and ask about her pregnancies and deliveries. It was a pleasant enough conversation (and included some helpful information about a trend towards normal pregnancies with unproductive labor), but such moments only occurred when I initiated them. And let's face it, by the time I got into the third trimester, I was too overwhelmed with getting things ready at school for my maternity leave and preparing the baby's room--not to mention freaking out over the idea of having an actual baby--to make the gesture.
My becoming a mother didn't improve our relationship either. When she and one of my sisters did visit, around the 8 week mark, they picked the week before the one I told them would be most helpful (when I would need to attend a few meetings at work--I was allowed to bring the baby, but thought it would be easier if I had even a little time there without him). During their week at our house, they didn't do any dishes, laundry, cooking, anything. I had actual work to do at that point (grading exams, figuring final grades, writing comments), plus I was having to play entertainment coordinator. They did babysit one afternoon when Trillian and I went out for a movie. But overall, I would have been better off if they hadn't visited at all or had only come for a day or two.
Before Scooter was born, I worried about what sort of mother I would be. Looking at my own mother as a model, I was concerned that I might be distant, withhold affection, shrink from hugs, be sparing with words of affection. But as soon as he was here, I discovered just how easy it is to cuddle and kiss; "I love you" tumbles out of my mouth many times a day of its own volition. And so the fact that I am (and have been since day one) so in love with my son and being a mother--his mother--has only served to make me more critical of my mother. Why was it so hard for her to show any of that to us? I have to wonder.
Trillian's mother is wonderful; she's more than willing to share stories of her early experiences as a mother and listen to ours. I have several aunts who are similarly great. But as much as I enjoy having that sort of relationship with them, I can't help but think that there would be an added dimension if I could have such a relationship with my mother since she is, after all, the woman who was actually there during my childhood and would know more about my own experiences.
So this is a wound that reopens as I work on of my current conception efforts.
As I would devour them, one topic that always came up would give me pause: the change in relationship with one's own mother. Most books suggested that pregnancy and early motherhood would be a time in which I would gain new perspective on my own mother, usually with the optimistic belief that it would deepen and strengthen that relationship. Only the book written by the lesbian suggested otherwise. She discussed the fact that lesbians are frequently isolated from their families of birth and that there can be additional difficulties with the parents of the non-biological mother; however, she also included anecdotes from various women about how parents would often come around after the baby's birth.
We had no concerns about Trillian's parents. They'd been dropping hints--not even subtle--about grandchildren for some time, and I suspect that they know their daughter well enough to have known she wouldn't be the one carrying the child. And it's not that I was particularly estranged from my own mother, not in the "I refuse to acknowledge my lesbian daughter" kind of way, at any rate. But no matter how much some part of me fervently hoped these books would be right, I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.
Nonetheless, I made a few extra attempts when I was pregnant. I remember one phone call I made, ostensibly to get some family health information and ask about her pregnancies and deliveries. It was a pleasant enough conversation (and included some helpful information about a trend towards normal pregnancies with unproductive labor), but such moments only occurred when I initiated them. And let's face it, by the time I got into the third trimester, I was too overwhelmed with getting things ready at school for my maternity leave and preparing the baby's room--not to mention freaking out over the idea of having an actual baby--to make the gesture.
My becoming a mother didn't improve our relationship either. When she and one of my sisters did visit, around the 8 week mark, they picked the week before the one I told them would be most helpful (when I would need to attend a few meetings at work--I was allowed to bring the baby, but thought it would be easier if I had even a little time there without him). During their week at our house, they didn't do any dishes, laundry, cooking, anything. I had actual work to do at that point (grading exams, figuring final grades, writing comments), plus I was having to play entertainment coordinator. They did babysit one afternoon when Trillian and I went out for a movie. But overall, I would have been better off if they hadn't visited at all or had only come for a day or two.
Before Scooter was born, I worried about what sort of mother I would be. Looking at my own mother as a model, I was concerned that I might be distant, withhold affection, shrink from hugs, be sparing with words of affection. But as soon as he was here, I discovered just how easy it is to cuddle and kiss; "I love you" tumbles out of my mouth many times a day of its own volition. And so the fact that I am (and have been since day one) so in love with my son and being a mother--his mother--has only served to make me more critical of my mother. Why was it so hard for her to show any of that to us? I have to wonder.
Trillian's mother is wonderful; she's more than willing to share stories of her early experiences as a mother and listen to ours. I have several aunts who are similarly great. But as much as I enjoy having that sort of relationship with them, I can't help but think that there would be an added dimension if I could have such a relationship with my mother since she is, after all, the woman who was actually there during my childhood and would know more about my own experiences.
So this is a wound that reopens as I work on of my current conception efforts.
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