Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brain malfunction

I continue to have trouble keeping my train of thought on the rails. Seriously, I think it took three minutes to compose that first sentence. Any attempts to compose a post turn into some sort of ADHD-fueled, stream-of-consciousness rant. After a few minutes, I realize that where I started bears no resemblance to where I ended--and I can no longer remember how I got there.

The other day, I needed to pick Scooter up from a birthday party and then head down to Capital City where Trillian had already gone earlier in the day. I left the house with a clear view of my destination... and turned the wrong way, had to make a couple of turns several blocks later to get back on track.

Anyway, I'm trying to finish a solid draft of my conference paper so that I can get some feedback from my supervisor. The guy I have maybe been avoiding since October. And that's a very real 'maybe.' As in, I can't remember if I even sent him an email to tell him my paper was accepted for the conference. As in, I know I intended to, even have some memory of composing an email, but I can't remember if that was in my head or actually committed to the screen. As in, I really can't distinguish between true memory and honest intention.

So this health issue I'm chasing down--and that's one of the posts I've started in my head--involves problems with blood flow and gravity. By the way, please excuse me if I've mentioned this stuff before; I can't remember what I said before and the flightiness keeps me from going back and checking. So anyway, besides the dizziness and passing out, which sent me to the doctor last month, one of the side effects of not getting enough blood to the brain is a loss of concentration. (Yeah, that sentence took ten minutes.)

I'm trying to figure out how to word my email to my supervisor. I need to explain the lapse in communication. Even if I did email him in December, it's been too long. I'm trying to walk the fine line of excuse and responsibility. And I can't figure out how to say "I'm not getting enough blood to my brain" without it sounding worse than it is. Although it's not exactly trivial either, so I don't want to just ignore it. Plus, I did let him know before that I've been having health problems of unknown origin, so the fact that I've been having health issues wouldn't sound constructed to him.

Today was not a good day, concentration-wise, so I'm hoping I can knock out a couple good hours' of work at some point, as I managed two days ago. But definitely don't expect anything coherent in this space for the next four days or so. This level of posting, such as it has been, has already taken my last once of attention. It is now time to recharge by spending some quality time with my quilt.


kgirl said...

Hey, this is your space to ramble on, if that's where you are right now. Don't worry about us - take care of yourself!

Lisa b said...

when did I miss the post about your brain?!?


I have no idea which way is up, so I'm not sure how confusion is related to your condition though.

Mouse said...

I actually can't remember if I have ever fully addressed the issue. The short version is that my body is not regulating my heart properly to compensate for changes in blood flow when I change position. So when I stand up, I get light-headed due to too little blood making it to my brain--hence the fainting last month. And since my body takes a very long time to adjust, my brain is frequently functioning at survival level, making higher levels of thought very difficult.

It sounds bad every time I try to describe it. I'm not in danger of permanent brain damage or anything--just a lot flakier than usual.