want/need

This post has been floating around in my head for a while now. Even though I'm still not sure I can adequately articulate the humble of thoughts I've been unraveling, an incident today has it spilling out.

Out of nowhere this afternoon, Scooter started in on a particular toy he needed. And it wasn't even that he wanted it for his birthday. He wanted it today. Logic--that toy isn't made anymore; regardless of whether or not it still exists, we couldn't get it today; regardless of all that, we weren't just buying him a toy and he didn't have enough of his own money to buy it--could not calm him in any way, and we found ourselves facing a larger meltdown than we've seen for a while.

The standard take on such meltdowns almost always include some riff on the "spoiled only child" theme. (I'm waiting to see if this will be what pushes me into tears at the next IEP meeting, as I weepily yell that this is not by design. Anyway...)

But this is not simply an issue of having a male Veruca Salt. Sure there are plenty of times that he wants something and then pouts when he doesn't get it. With incidents like today's, however, there's a different undertone, an urgency and anxiety that feels different than simple desire. I think I understand this, but I'm not sure how well I can convey it to people who don't regularly experience this.

I generally frame the fact that I have become more reflective of my purchases as an environmental issue, a desire to consume less--and it is. Yet in many ways, that I have reduced general acquisitions is more amazing because it signifies my ability to talk myself out of the compulsion to collect. While I have never been a full-blown packrat, I have a very hard time letting go of anything and usually feel a need to have more.

More specifically, this tends to manifest as a need to fill out collections. It can be ridiculous stuff, like toys from a fast-food restaurant that form a series. Even now, when I look at the little brochures that come with Legos and Playmobils, I can't help but think, "This set would be great, and then we could get this, which means we'd need this other thing, and then..." As an adult, I can quickly see that my thoughts are ridiculous and quell them before they fully set, but Scooter isn't quite there yet.

This sort of frantic, desperate need for things is not just about wanting the item in question, but rather a manifestation of anxiety. Obtaining a desired object creates some order in an otherwise frustrating and uncertain world. Stuff is concrete; it will still be there even when other things do not happen as expected. It can be rearranged, put in order, put away, brought back out. More anxiety, get more stuff.

If only it were that simple.

In the kitchen: cheesecake

Did you know you can make cheesecake in the crockpot?

What? Did you not want or need to know that?

Come on, you know you want some.

Guilty (semi-)pleasures

So I've figured out one way in which a semi-anonymous blog is better than Facebook: there are a number of things that I just can't bring myself to share with the entirety of my friends list. I mean, really, the person who had all of one class with me through high school does not need to be informed of my guilty pleasures. (I'm sure it comes as no surprise--I was a huge nerd in school, generally seen, even admired, as an intellectual. I have a reputation to maintain.)

So the first admission is that I just finished Twilight--that I read it at all is something that will not make my status. Amazingly, when I put myself on the waiting list at the library, I found the book ready when I went in to check out some other materials. I read through it in just three days, so I have to grant that it is a quick read (doesn't hurt that the print is large). And... meh.

I will read the others in the series, eventually, when I get around to it. Parts of the story are compelling, but I really find it surprising that so many self-avowed Buffy fans can also wax poetic about this. Bella drives me nuts. Edward keeps saying how dangerous he is, but that never really comes through. The dialog is repetitive and predictable. I'm torn about the monkeying with vampire lore--some of it is an interesting interpretation of all that has come before, other parts seem to be slapped in to fit some detail that she thought of later. The major danger comes up suddenly at the end and is dispensed of way too quickly--so much more could/should have been done with the other vampires. There was a good long stretch before that part where I kept reading only because I wanted to know more about Alice, who is my favorite character. Please tell me there's more of her in New Moon.

Enough of my life of the mind. On to the physical world. And the second admission.

I've mentioned before that I watch Biggest Loser. It is, in fact, the only reality show I watch. And Jillian Michaels is a big part of why I keep tuning in. So I was intrigued when I saw references to 30 Day Shred popping up on many friends' FB statuses and in a number of blog posts. (Side note: I really, really want to stick in the grammar-appropriate hyphen between '30' and 'Day,' but the official title does not have it.)

Out of curiosity, we Netflixed it so I could give it a go. It arrived today, and I decided to try Level 1 between an early dinner and Scooter's bedtime. Limitation #1: I definitely ate too much, too soon beforehand. Limitation #2: My knee's been bugging me, so I couldn't do all of the jumping for the cardio. Things I can work on and compensate for, but nothing compared to...

Misconception: Just because Jillian yells less on the DVD than on the show, I would have a quieter workout. Trillian and Scooter sat in our recliners behind me as I worked out. To give Trillian credit, she does know quite a bit about fitness and would probably make a decent trainer if she wanted to go that route. So she was giving me some tips on form, most of which I know (whether or not I can translate that to physical expression), nothing I mind too much. What I hadn't counted on was that she would fill the void of Jillian's usually tougher presentation by yelling out sayings we've heard many times on Biggest Loser. At the same time, Scooter was critiquing me and offering suggestions. He was particularly concerned when I adapted the jumping jacks so I wouldn't be stressing my knee. "You're going to lose," he shouted when I was not moving as fast as the women on the DVD.

The big advantage of getting this from Netflix is that I can hold onto it for a bit yet. And now that I know to schedule my workouts for school time while Trillian is occupied with work, maybe I can concentrate on the images in front of me and not the voices from behind.

So... what are you not putting in your Facebook status?

Corrupting the children

There are many reasons I enjoy volunteering in Scooter's classroom on a weekly basis. One of the side benefits is the opportunity to inject just a little of my lesbian, freethinker sensibilities. My most recent visit included the suggestion to the kids who started talking about church that some people believe what they were discussing, but other people believe other things.

And then there was this exchange:
Girl: That other girl, who came to the singing thing, looks just like you. I swear you two look alike.
Mouse (taking a minute to register that this would be Trillian): That's Scooter's other mom.
Girl (look of confusion): ...
Mouse: He has two moms.
Girl: What?!
Mouse: Yep. Two moms.
Girl: Is there one husband?
Mouse: Nope. Just two moms.
Girl (slight pause): Look at how my skirt matches my shirt just right.

I love five-year-olds.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

For a few months, I have found it hard to post here. Not that I haven't had many things to say. I've started countless posts and then lost steam and hit 'delete.'

I blame Facebook.

OK, it's not directly Facebook's fault, but that particular site has definitely played a role. I actually had a conversation on this topic with a friend a couple months ago--via Facebook Chat.

See, most of my readers--my regular commenters, at least--are among my Facebook friends. So I feel like they can find out about the more mundane details of my daily life much more easily than trucking over here. And by the time I sit down to compose multiple, (hopefully) coherent paragraphs, my thoughts on the topic feel stale.

So I've decided to redirect things here a bit. I do plan on posting more often between here and the Kitchen. But I think I'll be stepping back just a bit in my writing. I can't quite articulate yet how this will translate to the screen. I expect to write a little less on Scooter, though maybe I'll address how being his parent makes me reflect on my experiences of childhood. I'll also be posting more of my thoughts on autism at a site under my own name (if you're interested, email me and I'll send you over there).

I'll also be updating the look of my blogs, as I get to it. Excuse the mess as I tinker with things I really don't understand.

And something I feel great ambivalence about--I'll be sticking some ads in a sidebar. Not that my readership is so great I'll see much from this, nor do I expect to see much increase in traffic. But maybe I'll earn some coffee money. Besides, I might as well make a few cents on all those people who end up at my site due to various searches on "mouse nest" or because they're looking for women's breasts (seriously, "The post wherein you get to see my breast" is the second most common entry page, after the main site itself).

It may be that ackowledging the changes I've been batting about in my head is completely unnecessary; perhaps they'll barely register for most people. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't overthink things, and then try to drag others into my deliberations.

In the kitchen: pasta fagioli

Want to know about a staple from my poor grad student days? Need a recipe for a deliciously filling soup on a cold day? Head on over to the Kitchen for my first post back.

Oh look, it's 2009

It's taken me a few days, but I'm finally willing to acknowledge that the calendar has rolled over and we have indeed entered a new year. And not that I had wild success with my goals for last year, but I figured, might as well go loftier. So instead of 8 separate goals, I have multiple goals divided into five categories. (Wow, do I love lists!)

Myself

• Continue with exercise, maintaining my enjoyment. At the top of things to do for this goal is to enroll in a ballet class and design the rest of my exercise around that.
• Meditate regularly. Another holdover from last year. The hardest aspect is just making the time.
• Figure out allergies and food sensitivities; adjust diet accordingly. I'm headed to the allergist later this week to see if anything turns up in this area. It's the latest idea of my endocrinologist, since my bloodwork still insists there's no thyroid problem.
  

Family

• Determine whether or not we'll have a second child. The plan now is to try again, starting in April. We have three pop-sicles remaining, and I've pretty much decided that's the determining factor. If I'm not pregnant after three tries with this donor, I'm done. I haven't quite figured out how miscarriage(s) might come into play, but that's very much on my mind.
• Make sure Scooter gets the support he needs at school and at home. This will start with a solid IEP in February. Even more crucial will be the transition to first grade with a new teacher. I'll also be working on a sensory diet for him at home, since I remain convinced that the better able he is to handle his sensitivities, the easier other things will be.
• Develop a range of go-to recipes. I've already started this, particularly with some crockpot cooking, but my goal is to have enough easy-to-ccok dishes in my repertoire to cover four or five nights a week in a month without repetition.

Home

• De-clutter. This is a slow-and-steady kind of goal. My plan is to devote an hour a week, in segments of fifteen or twenty minutes, to surfaces and drawers and just all of the stuff that has somehow taken over. I will never be an "everything must go in its place" kind of person, but I would like to cut through all the excess papers and such that we've now moved a couple times. I fully expect that I can spend an hour a week (and occasionally more) on this every week of the year and still not get to the end.
  
• Organize my desk and work area. Another task that will get an hour a week. Once I get it under control, I will try to maintain it with fifteen minutes a week. Then I can use a little of that "extra" time to tackle the papers mentioned above.
• Start some green projects in the house. Trillian and I have a mental list, which I hope to commit to paper, starting with some windows. What we tackle after that will depend greatly on finances, so we'll also be focusing on...
• Focus on reducing, reusing, recycling, rethinking. We've already started re-appropriating items for new uses and just not buying things without debating if we really need them. This year, I hope to bring Scooter into this more.
  

School

• Finish my comps. Brought directly over from last year. I am taking leave until August, so I can't officially take my last set of exams until after that, but I hope to set them up for September and October.
• Submit my thesis proposal. Just the next step after comps, but one I'll need to get done soon after, especially if I might be taking maternity leave.
• Use NaNoWriMo for thesis writing. It's not the intended purpose of National Novel Writing Month, but the timing will be just right for me to try to get as many words down as possible. My plan is to pour out various starts and stops, thoughts as they come to me, the ideas that are unsupported as of yet. Then I can take bits of it and prune it into shape while chasing down the appropriate references.
  

Online

• Restart The Mouse's Kitchen. I've been having a lot of fun in my physical kitchen and really want to share some of it with others. Since I'll be working on recipes anyway, I can post my favorites. I'll also be writing about coffee, because we've been having some fun on that front too.
• Post a minimum of five times (here and the Kitchen combined). I've had plenty to say, but have made it here only once a week or so. When I do post on my food blog, I'll link to it from here, at least for a little while. I'll be devoting an entire post to my plans for these sites in the next couple days.
  
• Work on two sites under my real name. Not linking to them here. One is a family site, and I don't update nearly often enough. The other is a parenting site Trillian started, but hasn't had time to tweak as she would like or to add new content regularly. I'll be writing there and monkeying with in the background.

Now let's stand back and watch how quickly I forget I ever planned these goals.